I haven't blogged in ages, simply...

... because I've had no time.

Sometimes I wonder if my life is not too filled with activities by choice and by obligation, that even when I have the opportunity to take a time-out, I don't really do so. Also because I'm not used to it.

In the last three weeks, or since I last wrote, lots of things have happened. So many what I identify as 'blog topics' in my head, and on little scraps of paper - but they're just uncompleted ideas that I have just no time to breathe some words into.

So, since so much time has passed, it was inevitable that I have come to many conclusions, some of which don't make it to be published on this blog, but those that do, is listed here in no particular order:

1. I need to blog more. Writing for newspapers don't really count, because you have to assume the 'professional me' persona and write according to exactly how news or features or online works. Which is not necessarily a useful channel or tool for expression, or necessary relief for one's soul. So I have resolved to blog more. Even if to keep a record of what's going on in my busy life. So when I look back in a few years, it's not just a blank sheet of web background staring straight back at me, tauntingly.

2. I find myself stupidly writing down my events/appointments on my new dopod, when actually I really like writing it down the old-fashioned way in a paper diary. So I now do both - which really defeats the whole purpose, because it's a waste of time. And also because I get confused and sometimes don't record important things in EITHER palm nor diary. As Lee Evans would put it, man has gone through centuries of technological innovation, to come up with something man had already possessed in the very first place: putting a pen to a sheet to record writing.

3. Despite my hectic schedule, I managed to squeeze in a night of clubbing with J's work last week and we went to Mambo night at Zouk. And for me, it was the first time in a very long time. When I got there, I remembered why it's been a long time.
Because, as I've always told my best friends (who stubbornly cling on to the non-existent nostalgia of the venue), the crowd there is so infantile, I was surprised that there weren't any baby strollers there.
Everyone looks like they're 18 years old or younger. Oh, sorry, make that 16.
There are dumb, ditzy ah lians who dress like they just discovered skirts, and who talk poorly - and ah bengs who dance to all the retro songs, while making hand signals that really just make them look so bad. And so sad.

Which leads me to.... intense embarrassment.

When J looked at the ugly bunch of ah bengs with very bad skin and very bad hair-cuts, standing on stage gesticulating wildly to "Squareee-rooooom-mmm", he turned to me and said, smirking: 'no wonder you stopped dating Singapore chinese men' - I seethed when he said that, racial pride all bubbling up. But I realised I was angry because at some level, he was right. I couldn't even defend them even if I wanted to, given the choice specimen that we were looking at.

Frustrating... because there are decent looking Sg chinese men around. Just that they aren't standing in the middle sadly gesturing. And they're certainly not at Mambo.


4. Work stresses: I hate being at the bottom of the work chain, simply because I've been there a shorter time. There are so many more incompetent people older than me it's really unbelievable. And it's worse when you're being forced to step aside, and do the crappy stories, because the ones who were there longer have "chope-d" the good stories. When you obviously can do a better job. I hate it! I hate being cleverer than them and not being able to demonstrate it!
Then again, the true intellect will find some way of circumventing the forced circumstances and find some other devious way to show them up. And that's exactly what my gameplan is. (Shhhh...)

5. Making a very important decision in my life. A milestone. A new beginning. And the start of something good.


6. Feeling Guilty.

Often, I think of myself really critically, exacting very high standards for my performance, that sometimes I extend this to the people I meet and often judge them on the same standards.

Maybe I shouldn't. I sometimes wish I was one of those people that "don't have a harsh word to say about anyone" - but these people are rarely the CEOs of the world, and greatness often eludes them. Then again, maybe I've got my priorities wrong. Maybe being great at something, or striving to be remembered in some way, by the world, isn't as important as I make it out to be.

So I feel guilty sometimes for thinking someone's ugly, or stupid, or irritating - but most times, they really deserve the label. For example, I had a really evil, and unkind looking guy on my recent course - and he turned out, really, not to be very nice. I get scared, even looking at him, it's just impossible to generate ANY warm feeling towards people like that. Is it his fault that he's born with those looks? Or is it because he's a nasty person, that's why he has those looks. I'm still trying to figure.

But if there's one comforting thing, I can safely say I'm nowhere near the standards of some of my uh..peers, who are top-class bitches. Or more accurately, indulge in top-class bitching.

Friendly banter and half-baked humour aside, their underlying implications and judgements are sometimes so critical and harsh I sometimes feel guilty even just being in the presence. And I wonder what's the merit in doing that.
Do they really mean the evil things they say, or is it just a flippant indulgence that doesn't reflect their character when push comes to shove?

I think, however, if you practice so much in your daily life, at being mean, at some point you inevitably become what you practice everyday. Oui?

7. Feeling extremely pissed off with one J, while being protective of the other. It doesn't matter that you don't know what I'm talking about, as long as I do.


8. The amazing INSEAD business journalism seminar I've just attended! Which makes me wonder if I should switch jobs and become an economist.

It has been a brilliant 3 days and I have learnt so much, I sometimes regret not really doing a degree like economics or finance, considering how intellectually stimulating it is.

I've always had that problem, all my life, choosing between the science and arts when in fact I excelled in both equally it was so hard to make a choice. Often my heart won over my mind, and when my desire to be different (from the boring engineers, bankers and accountants of this world) gets the better of me, I inadvertently choose the latter. When actually, my intelligence and mental capacity is probably better off taking on a science subject and engaging in it. Since it does deal with so many complex issues and concepts, it seems only fair that I give my own mind the sweet experience of facing that challenge.

I could go on and on about what I've learned and the depth of the topics I covered but that's not necessarily the time for that now. I however recommend that anybody who remotely considers themselves intelligent, should consider at least getting a crash course on how the world economies work. I'm so grateful to have done the course, simply because it's only made me realize what more potential I've, or more broadly, the human brain's, got!

In any case, it's probably sewn the seed of desire in me to pursue an MBA. It's hard work - and expensive - but I also think it will be amazing. Of course, it will have to come before or after my contemplated law degree. Just have to figure out now, where to find the time. And also, if I do do the MBA, what does it mean for my future after that and what am I really seeking?


9. There are so many things I need to do. Prioritising and time management is even more of the essence now for me. I now see how the modern woman is cursed. No wonder happy women don't write.


10. I love my mum. I mustn't forget that she has been an amazing mother, and made so much sacrifices in her life for her children. She is not without imperfection but she wouldn't be human otherwise. So even if I get annoyed, I must remember how great a woman she really is.